I can definitely be the queen of passive-aggressiveness. When I was responsible for a large group of teachers in a school in Barcelona, after deadlines I would send out emails such as now that the deadline for reports has passed, I’ve been collecting everyone’s and I can’t seem to locate yours – could you let me know where you’ve saved them? rather than simply saying do your reports now! I think of my over-eating as a passive-aggressive form of self-harm.
There was a time when my self-harm was aggressive and confrontational – I carved into my stomach and arms, I pinched myself and twisted my skin, I punched myself hard enough to leave bruises. It’s been a while since I did that. I also used alcohol for a while, drinking myself into miserable oblivion on a regular basis. But I stopped that too and now I choose not to drink alone; it does me no good.
The last remnant of self-harm is my over-eating. For a while I had it under control but the last couple of days, as my mood has dropped again, it has crept in and taken up home.
Over-eating is the long-con. In the short term, aside from a possible aching stomach and a lack of comfort in tighter waistbands, it causes few problems but the weight piles on, the blood pressure rises, the veins harden, the fat cells multiply inside and out and the organs become sluggish. I know all this and I know what I’m doing and yet, at this time, when I’m tip-toeing around myself, trying hard not to fall too far, I can’t seem to stop it and I feel disgusting right now.