Depression has made me reflect on my past far more than I ever used to. And depression only highlights the poor errors of judgement, the mistakes, the what-ifs and the regrets. It impossible to say now whether I would still look at all those events more philosophically and less critically were I not depressed but there are definitely a lot of mistakes that cannot be disguised as anything else. Maybe that is why I’ve reached an impasse and why I am so afraid these days to make a decision, even a small one.
Now I have nothing to fill my day, I can just about manage to get through the basics. Now I don’t have to figure out how to get through a working day or how to avoid flatmates, I can eat and clean and write and study and potter around. But beyond that, there is no improvement. Should I go back to work? Should I apply for a new job or go back to the old one? Where will I live? Shall I study? Shall I contact that person, meet that one? What about Christmas, what about New Year? What about 2017? Or, God forbid, 2018 and ahead?
Shall I go out today? And, if I do, where shall I go?
I used to rely on my gut in most decisions. I was able to weigh up the pros and cons instinctively and was generally able to make decisions easily. Not always the right ones, clearly, but easily nonetheless. It’s another part of me that has gone.