Plans for no plans

Uncomfortable is the closest word I can come up with as I come out of the depths but still search for the light. An out-of-reach itch, a craving for something, the hint of a headache, an understanding that can’t quite be achieved, oh-so-close but not close enough. A love that never was.

So I have a plan. At last I have a plan! It’s not much of a plan but for someone as plan-less as me, it’s something.

A month of nothing. Told you it wasn’t much of a plan. A month of no plans. No madcap schemes to conquer mountains, fly planes, become a neurosurgeon, achieve world peace. But no small plans either. No work stress, no social stress. A deliberate cutting-off.

But of course, plans sneak in. I will eat better, I will exercise, I will finish that book, I will do that research, I will perfect that language, I will think about the future, I will hope for a future. It’s impossible to rein them in completely. So I have a pile of notebooks and more stationery that any one person needs, a laptop, books on a kindle, Spanish books and a basic Airbnb flat. Very basic. This morning, I had to eat my porridge directly out of the saucepan as there are no bowls and it’s a genuine mystery how I’m going to chop up those carrots with the flimsy knife in the drawer…

So far I have a fridge full of fruit and vegetables and have resisted the bad stuff (so far – it’s only been a day! Small victories…). My only aim, I keep telling myself, is to get dressed and washed every day and nothing else. Anything else is a bonus.

But it’s hard to keep the I will… sentences at bay. I will not make plans. I will not pile on the pressure. I will…

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