Today is a friend’s birthday. I met this person just before my first big fall down to the depths. We got on well, we should be good friends.
But, of course, I blew it.
I said too much and did too much and they ran away. I admitted to suicide attempts and self-harm. I broke down and couldn’t breathe and asked them to help one time, two times too many. And then I asked again. I ruined New Year, I ruined days out and I ruined long weekends. And so they ran away.
I have apologised many times. I have written emails and text messages, I have apologised face-to-face and via other people. These apologies have been accepted. My actions have been understood and forgiven but the running away happened anyway because it had to. No one can deal with that over and over again. No one should have to.
So I sent a birthday message this morning and had a brief chat and kept it light and left it at that.
There are so many regrets and this is one of them, one on a long list, one that I wish I could go back and change. Behave differently, back off a little bit, stay away at the worst times. I’d have a few more friends if I had learnt this lesson a bit earlier. Now, like so many things, it’s too late.
So I send happy birthday messages and xmas ones and new year ones and keep the connections open in the hope that memories are short and one day I can mend a regret.