not playing with a full deck

There are two strands to my depression: the no-emotion-at-all strand and the all-the-bad-emotions-at-once strand.

While in the no-emotion phase, when I drag my empty self around feeling nothing, tasting nothing, in a void, I long for the all-emotions phase. When in the all-emotions phase, unable to do anything but lie in bed and berate my useless self, I realise what a fool I was.

There are five main emotions that rise to the surface at these times: sadness, of course, loneliness, worthlessness, guilt and anger.

I am angry at all and everything from the biggest things to the most trivial – from the uselessness of world leaders and the hatred they propagate to the fact that my housemate has just gone into the bathroom at the exact moment that I have summoned up the energy to roll out of bed and go myself. I am angry at this illness and the fact that in a fight with oneself, you always lose just as much as you win. But mostly I am angry at myself. I am angry at that self-pitying message I just sent to someone who I’ve waited days to hear from and who I swore I would be sunny and fake to in order to hear from them again. I am angry at my utter uselessness to do even the basic things. Then when I do get up and shower and prepare some food and feel proud of myself, I am furious at the pathetic human being I have become – when such basic things that I have done for decades without thinking become a source of fleeting pride.

But above all I am angry at my weakness. I am angry that I have become a shell of useless nothingness. I am angry at how pathetic I have become. I am angry that I can’t stop the tears, that I can’t get out of bed, that I can’t force myself to do anything. I am angry at how self-centred and self-pitying I have become and this keeps coming out and that I can’t push it down and hide it away. I am angry for all the bad decisions I have made and all the regrets I have. I am angry that I am not the person I thought I was, that I am not strong. And I am angry that I am so ashamed of myself and yet seem incapable of doing anything about it.

Image result for negative emotions


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