Having fallen down the hole before, I know what to expect. In some ways, at least I am prepared; but in other ways it adds to the fear, knowing what’s coming and wondering if I’ll be lucky and come through it this time.
I’m trying to learn from my mistakes last time. I’m keeping it to myself and keeping away from people. When you have “a person”, you can share. When you don’t have a person, you are simply a burden if you share. Everyone disappears. So I haven’t contacted anyone and therefore no one has contacted me. It’s a lonely time but it has to be. I’m trying to eat healthier, with varying success, and to rest more. I’m trying to keep going at work but it’s increasingly hard and people are noticing something’s wrong. I’m spending more time hiding in bathrooms, patting swollen eyes with damp tissue. I’m carrying make-up around again to disguise red eyes and re-apply running mascara. I’m trying but for now I’m failing.
I try therapy again next week. I feel sick and heavy just thinking about it.