askew

On the dot, at 01.35 I wake up. No matter how tired I’ve been, no matter how early or late I go to bed, at 01.35, my eyes are open and I’m awake.

On good nights, I drift back off fairly quickly. On bad nights, I’m awake for an hour or so. And then there’s last night.

Sleeping has been better lately. Lots of waking up but usually going back to sleep within half an hour and even the occasional night of 5 or 6 hours solid sleep.

But yesterday I was exhausted. Full day’s work and then a bit more. An evening out. A lot of socialising. Having to walk home at midnight. My first proper panic attack for a long time.

But, still, I was shattered so I was hopeful sleep would overtake everything else. It did until the fated 01.35 but even that was fine. By about 2, I was asleep again.

But at 03.15, I woke up. My eyes were sore with tiredness, my brain numb but somehow I was awake and I was not going back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 6.25, I was too tired to even cry.

So now I’m holding out, holding off until I can’t any longer, until my eyelids will not support themselves and I’ll try again, hoping instinct will take over and tonight I’ll move past the 01.35 eye-opener and past the 03.15 and when my alarm goes off at 6.25, I will have enough energy to cry but will be calm and rested enough not to want to.

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