need a check up from the neck up

I wake up. I have no desire to get up. I have no desire to be awake. I have no desire for consciousness but it’s the fifth time I’ve woken up since I went to bed and it’s light outside and I’ve made a pact with myself to be a normal human being every day, meaning I will get up, I will shower, I will get dressed.

I am lodging temporarily while I work away. I hear my landlady, who also happens to be my boss, talking to her husband. I know they’re going out so I decide to wait for them to leave. It’s not a small talk day.

It’s grey outside. I would love to switch off the day. But I made the normal human being pact so I get up and I shower and I get dressed and I make an extra effort: I vacuum my room and change the sheets.

Then I sit and watch TV. In a rash moment, I contact my old friend who I don’t hear from anymore, who clearly doesn’t want contact with me. I write a quick message of the hope all’s well, hope you’re ok type and then I quickly shut down Facebook as though I’ve done something wrong. I wish I could tell the truth. I miss you. I wish I could be braver and stronger and not give in to the temptation to try and connect yet again.

And the loneliness sets in. The crying starts and continues intermittently throughout the rest of the day, popping up unannounced, settling in as the evening progresses.

I watch mindless TV all day. At some point, I go out and buy food and come back and watch more TV. I get back into bed as soon as the light goes. My pact is only valid during the hours of daylight.

But I got up, I got showered, I got dressed.

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