waalan (Somali)

The aftermath of last night’s breakdown has left me heavy and exhausted. I eventually managed to sleep at about 3 in the morning but it wasn’t for long and it wasn’t restful. Today I ache everywhere and walk sluggishly. My head hurts and my neck, back and shoulders are tight and knotted. My eyes are raw and gritty.

Today I can’t focus. Today I’ve dragged my feet. Today it’s hard to care.

I’m back where I started. That panic attack has left me questioning everything and has left me wondering if things will ever really get better. None of the distractions that I’ve worked on for the last months worked and how quickly and unexpectedly I lost it is terrifying. I’m crying again now and am trying to find a way out but am scared it’ll be the same story tonight. I haven’t slept well for weeks and I don’t know how long I can keep going with no proper rest.

The odd thing is that even while I rocking backwards and forwards like the madwoman I am, muttering how I wish I were dead, I’m also petrified because it feels like I’m having a heart attack! So I want to die and I’m scared of dying. No wonder it all feels so hopeless.

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