I feel like I’m clinging on by my fingertips. To functionality, to friendships, to normality, to everything. Some days it feels like I will fall any second and other days it feels like my grip is fairly strong. But it’s always just the fingertips holding on. There are times I believe that I should probably just let go; I frequently wonder why I don’t.
So, in order to keep holding on, I search further and wider for distractions. I go for Duolingo and Memrise and start to learn a myriad of different languages which are already beginning to blend into a confused mush but which make me feel like my brain still functions on some level. I plan lessons and make worksheets for the same reason, even when there’s a perfectly good photocopy I could take into class to save me time. When things are too hard to actually think, I turn to games apps. I justify the downloading of these by thinking of all the people I’ve seen swapping coloured candy crush shapes on public transport; they can all be mental, surely? As the final nail in the madness coffin, I downloaded a colouring app to try and control the panic. I know colouring helps a lot of people. Grown-up colouring books seem to have become a thing but I simply can’t accept myself as an adult who colours in and, besides that, it’s boring and so in no way distracting enough. I deleted it after a few tries (appropriately, I added colours to a line drawing of The Scream) and it will never be spoken of again.
But these distractions can work at times and have saved me from a bigger breakdown than the one I’m having when I open up Candy Crush and on the plus side, I’m now level 6 at Swedish, have a vague understanding of the Russian alphabet and am a Mah Jong fiend!