melancholic

Of all the annual celebrations, I think New Year is the worst. Christmas is for family, and I still have my parents so while it’s just the three of us, it’s quiet and there’s lots of nice food and it’s relaxing. I don’t like birthdays but I generally keep mine quiet so I can get though the day in secret. But new year is about friends and big parties and groups of people laughing and drinking and having fun: choosing to spend time together. So what if no one chooses you?

I’ve been dreading new year more this year than ever. Because last year someone did choose me and I messed it up – I was too deep into panic and depression to hold it together – so I’ve worried about it on and off all year, knowing that going back to being one of the unchosen will be tougher this year because of this, because of the shame and the guilt.

So I’ve thought about it a lot and now it’s almost here. I figure I have two options: go to bed early and sleep through midnight or play the distraction game that I’m slowly improving at.

These are my rules for a panic/crying/self-loathing free new year:

  • sleep though it (if I can)
  • lose track of time catching up on TV series
  • lay off the alcohol
  • keep off Facebook
  • write or make plans when the bad thoughts come
  • remember it’s only one day and it means nothing

Plenty of people are alone at new year. Many don’t care. A lot are worse off than me. These are things to remember. I hope I can hold it together; I’m scared I won’t. but I have to try

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