I made a decision to go back to pretending. I did it for so long, it should be easy but it’s not. Opening up to people is addictive; I began to want to share my thoughts and concerns with my friends. I took comfort from it and it helped.

But it also meant people began to drift off and I began to lose people. I had started to rely on them and I lost my sense of what was too much information; I shared too much and they started to back off. I’m ashamed of the things I made them deal with; I’m ashamed that at times they knew I was suicidal, not because I felt that way but because no one should have to feel that fear for someone else. It must have been awful to know that. All this not only heightened my loneliness but also my paranoia (everyonehatesmeeveryonehatesmeeveryonehatesme).

So I’m going back to pretending even though I still crave someone to talk to and help me though the bad stuff. They still know that I’m not there yet. They may even suspect that things are just as bad but they are holding back now, they are not asking. And so I’m determined not to tell.

I’m back to wearing the happy suit, faking smiles and punctuating messages with smiley faces, hahas, hehes and even the occasional lol. It’s exhausting, it’s miserable at times when I need a shoulder to cry on but if it means that I keep my friends, it’s worth it. I hope I can keep it up.


One thought on “neurotic

  1. I feel you. I deal with the same thing. Many of my friends have just drifted away because they don’t know how to deal with real emotions. I’m scared of letting anyone in because it means losing them eventually. That’s part of the reason I turned to reading blogs, I need some kind of outlet, someone who knows what I’m dealing with because they’ve gone through it as well. So I do feel exhausted all the time and the person I live with, they try to help me but they don’t want to be overbearing. I tell myself it’ll all work out so how can I tell you the same thing when I know less about you than I know about any stranger? I like to think that nothing in life is permanent and the escapes we build up around us are ways of coping. It takes a strong person to keep going.


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