クレイジー (Japanese – kureiji)

I’ve been reading a few blogs about depression. Everyone expresses themselves with much more grace and insight and eloquence than me but from reading others’ thoughts, I’ve realised that there are two things I need to somehow learn how to do:

Be more forgiving of myself (and others, but mostly myself). I automatically look at the negative. I didn’t do anything today = I’m useless. Instead I need to find a way to turn this around. I didn’t do much today but I went for a walk and I ate properly. I stayed in my hotel room all day = I’m a waste of space. I need to practise finding a positive. I stayed in my hotel room all day but I wrote a little, I caught up on sleep, I contacted someone…

Stop presuming that I know what other people are thinking. My paranoia is sky high. I don’t even need a reason to assume everyone hates me. Give me even a sliver of a reason and I’m a wreck. I count the days between contact with people. Every day there is none, I assume they hate me, are sick of me, are bored of me, are impatient with me… That little green dot on Facebook kills me slowly and yet I can’t switch it off just in case someone notices me and thinks to say hello. Similarly, I check Viber and Whatsapp regularly, just to be a presence, just in case I jolt someone’s memory and they recall my existence. And most days all these “social” networks stay silent for me while the assumptions scream louder and louder.

So this is what I have to work on. Any suggestions how?!

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s