One of the many difficult things about depression/anxiety is the inability to completely relax. I used to enjoy (a little too much perhaps!) my lazy moments – weekend mornings in bed, dozing and daydreaming, afternoon naps, sitting and staring into space letting my imagination conquer my thoughts. But I can’t enjoy that anymore because as soon as I am not distracted by something, the negativity, the fear and the bad things rush in and take over. Even at night, audio books distract me and fill the silence. My old routine of plugging my ears and blocking out as much light as possible then daydreaming myself into nightdreaming is gone.
(My old routine of happily, lazily sleeping 8, 9, 10 hours straight is also gone. Now if I manage more than 4 in one go it’s cause for celebration; usually I rarely manage more than an hour before waking. Sleep, wake, sleep, wake…)
So this morning, after an exhausting week, when I woke up at 8, I forgot for a while how things are now. I rolled over, I closed my eyes and prepared to doze. And then the thoughts came and the tears pushed up. So, tired as I am, I have already checked my emails, put on the radio, read the news and written this.
Tired as I am, I am not fall-down exhausted so sleep won’t come and daydreams aren’t worth having these days.
Tired as I am, it’s time to fill another day somehow.