porangi (Maori)

I’ve been slow to accept my depression and am slow in seeking help. I’ve made some ridiculous decisions along the way which has unquestioningly increased or prolonged these feelings.

I read something today. It said that you should treat your illness as you would any other. You should not force yourself to do things that are beyond you, just like you wouldn’t if you were physically sick. Problem is, historically I have pushed myself to do things I shouldn’t when physically ill too. I once taught for 5 hours with atypical pneumonia; I kind of discharged myself from hospital when I broke my leg in four places. So I shouldn’t be surprised that I keep burying this and trying to push myself to lead a “normal” life and I shouldn’t be surprised that this has resulted in some terrible decisions.

But I feel like now I am lurching from one bad decision to another and only getting worse. It’s like being out of control and I can’t seem to get myself back on track. I wish I knew what to do to get back on track. I’m desperate for this to be over – but then I have to confess that I’m also slightly scared because if it’s over and I get to be happy again, what happens if it comes back? Knowing what I know now, I don’t know that I’d survive a relapse.

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