Couple of OK days. I even dared to think I might be heading out of the fog, climbing out of the hole, seeing the light or whichever other metaphor you wish to use. Then tonight it’s hit again. Not as bad as it can be but that sense of dread and fear settled in the stomach. that slightly sick feeling, the desire to run away and escape. And of course the crying. The tears have welled up and I can feel them pooling behind my eyes. It’s a battle now to keep them back. It’s not a battle I usually win. I don’t even know I it’s the right battle to fight. Maybe I should let them out. Maybe the battle should be to stop them gathering there in the first place.
The trigger tonight is probably a few things but the main one is as ridiculous as it is trivial. I need to Skype one of the organisers of the volunteer post I’m due to start in a week and a half and I can’t face it. I’m putting it off, making excuses and it’s stressing me out for some reason. I’ve started crying and shaking now just typing this. It’s disappointing after a good couple of days in which I dealt with situations that have sent me spiralling out of control in the past. And it’s hard to see it as a blip (which it cold be). It’s hard not to believe that this is the start of another long slide back down to the depths and the darkness and the heaviness and the fear.