I’m so angry all the time. Just like I used to be smiley and giggly, I used to be calm and chilled out. Now everything irritates me and angers me. I’m watching Perks of a Wallflower. I loved this book. The film seems like a pretty good adaptation but it’s making me angry because it isn’t true. It gives false hope: you can be shy and weird and eventually you’ll find your place and you’ll find peace. But there is no peace. Maybe when you’re 14 and finding your way, maybe I’m judging harshly. But when you’re a grown up, once you lose everyone, they’re gone. There is no one and there’s no way back. So that makes me angry.
And then my laptop stops working. It keeps disconnecting from the wifi so I have to keep reconnecting and losing everything. And this makes me angry. And my anger is physical: I can feel it inside me growing and over-taking just the same as the sadness does. Except the anger is fast and overpowering and the sadness is heavy and permanent, ebbing and flowing but always there.
And then I see the news. And people’s awfulness and evilness and selfishness makes me angry and sad and a plane crashes, a bomb goes off and disappointment mingles. Disappointment that I wasn’t on that plane, caught in that blast. That people who wanted to live, who had a reason to live don’t get to and that people will cry for them while I, who doesn’t want to live, somehow keeps going.
And then the guilt hits.