The negative thoughts multiply and feed off themselves so quickly that no sooner have they started than they are out of control.
This afternoon, I became overwhelmed all of a sudden and knew I was going to cry. There was no particular reason for this although stress at work and Facebook reminding me of all the ways I’ve wasted my life didn’t help. I took myself off to the bathroom for a bit of deep breathing and tear-falling.
I locked the door. Within seconds my general feelings of mild panic, stress and sadness has escalated. Within a few seconds, I was composing goodbye messages to send to people, I was planning to walk away and not look back or to finally get it right and make those slices deep enough to matter or multiple the number of pills the wine washes down. Seconds later and it was all definite. I would do it on Sunday. I would finish work today, I would work tomorrow and Sunday would be it. Finito. Hasta nunca.
Further seconds later I am crying and listing all the ways in which I have failed in life from the small things to the big dramatic and overdramatic ones, my whole life summed up in a list of failings and regrets.
After that, all the proof I have that I have no friends, no one who cares, that everyone hates me or tolerates me because they are too nice to do anything else. Listing all the ways I now know that people use to avoid me.
And then comes the time when I realise I am at work, locked in a toilet, and I have to get myself back together. I wipe eyes and splash water and breathe and breathe and breathe. I pinch and slap.
And then I am presentable enough. I go back to my desk. I hope no one notices the damp eyes, I wipe away the smudge of mascara on my hand, cover up the red marks and beginnings of bruises.
And now the sadness remains, the tears are close. Sunday will probably come and go and probably I’ll be here on Monday but I can’t say for sure yet.