It’s a hard evening tonight. Full of paranoia, fear and worry. I stayed at work as late as I could as a distraction but was so tired so in the end I had to leave.
Tears started as soon as I got home and they didn’t stop. Now I’m in that state of exhaustion that comes from prolonged crying. Eyes gritty and swollen, headache, flushing hot and then shivering cold, a slightly sick feeling in the gut, shakiness in the extremities, physical tiredness but mental gymnastics, thoughts jumping and skipping and racing.
I ate more food than is ever necessary, robotically shoving it down my throat without pleasure (maybe that’s the sick feeling in my gut), barely chewing. All my good diet work gone. The food I bought for breakfast tomorrow, gone. All my wine would be gone too but my flatmates are in the living room and I’m too much of a wreck to walk past them and retrieve it from the kitchen. But nonetheless, diet and good work out the window in one day, one half hour, of binging. So I can sit here, in pyjamas, in bed, and say I was strong and I didn’t self-harm because there are no cuts, no bruises starting their fade in but instead my stomach sits bloated full of fat and sugar and my thoughts attack me and belittle me.