insane

picasso_1_thThese are some of the things which have made me cry this week.

  • Things that made me cry a little bit:

Meeting with my boss about what my plans are for the next year. He is the only person at work who I have told a little bit about my problems so I was honest and told him it wasn’t just a case of thinking about my career, the job options and what I wanted to do but also I had to think about my health… and as soon as I acknowledged that, I felt the familiar sting of tears and the embarrassment that goes with them. But I got myself under control.

Waking up every day. Literally every day.

My internet cutting out at 1am meaning I couldn’t listen to the audiobook I now seem to need in order to stand any chance at all of not crying myself to sleep and waking up with a headache and swollen painful eyes. Luckily, after the initial panic, I managed to get it working again with only a few minutes of tears and one bruised knuckle.

Reading a story about a 92 year old woman who threw herself over a gorge because she had lost faith in people.

Christian the Lion (not watching it, just talking about it; I know better than to watch that these days!)

My computer freezing just as I had settled down and decided to spend an indulgent couple of hours watching something light and breezy.

Realising I’d got to the end of the working day and done nothing productive, having spent the whole day opening and closing documents and web pages and wandering backwards and forwards to the Coke machine, bathroom, book room etc

  • Things that made me cry a lot:

Reading an article on sexual assault and body image/ intimacy issues

My flatmate coming home with a friend and being loud and raucous, slamming doors, shouting, smoking, freaking me out and making me hide.

Facing another weekend alone

Realising I was going to have to deal with another round of bureaucracy and paperwork

Having to give a presentation and being completely unprepared

The habit of sending messages out and receiving none back.

Realising that I was going to have to let some of the people I love the most go because I have become too much for them; they don’t want me anymore.

Giving in to the urges.

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