mad

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People. Person. Friend.

I wonder if you know how much you affect me. How I debate whether to send you a message or not. Is it too desperate? The last few times I’ve received a cursory reply with an excuse to not extend the conversation. But I need some contact so I give in. I always give in. I send off a breezy message. I try not to make it about me. Maybe that’s the problem – is it always about me? Or are you just worried it will soon be if you engage in chat? Or are you just bored now? Bored because nothing is changing? Because there’s always a negative note even if I try so hard to keep that pessimism (and honesty) down?

Would it be better if you were honest? If you just said I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Don’t contact me. Certainly not in the short term but if I survived into the long term, would it?

Or maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe you’re just busy. Maybe you want to talk but just not now. Or last time. Or the time before. Or next time. Or the time after.

I should take the hint. I really should. And I really don’t. I really can’t.

And then I wait. And then I get another brief reply making it clear that the conversation stops here. And I crumble again. Tears and frustration and paranoia and pain and shame and embarrassment.

And I wait. I wait. I wait. And then I write another message.

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