cuckoo

488x-1Panicking. It starts suddenly. A thought can set it off, an unexpected challenge, something on TV. Sometimes I remember who I am and what I lack and that starts it off. Sometimes I remember my failures, my inability to connect and that sets it off. Sometimes I switch the light off at night and the dark and the lack of distractions and the loneliness are the triggers. And sometimes I just wake up in the morning.

Tight chest or heavy chest

Feeling rocks in the stomach

Shaking

Sweating

Mind rushing round and round and round, never stopping

Hot then cold then hot then flushed then cold then shivering then hot

And a lot of crying

always crying

sometimes cutting calms and stops

sometimes pinching, biting, punching, scratching

sometimes nothing

sometimes breathing slowly / in and out / focus on the breaths

but sometimes I can’t do this

sometimes alcohol or cake or chocolate

sometimes cooking or TV

sometimes writing

Sometimes nothing

I hide in my room, lock myself in the toilet, twist my neck and stare out the bus/train window, put sunglasses on. At night I cry until I sleep and hope that when I wake up things just start again, that the old me will have grown back. In the morning I do anything I can to stop the crying so I can resemble some kind of human being until it’s time to come home again. At weekends, I just let it happen. Stay in my room. Hope I’ve had the foresight to gather some snacks because I’m not leaving. In an uncharacteristic display of positive thinking, thank my luck at being in the bedroom next to the bathroom. On these days I can only manage one positive thought on my Grateful list:

  • Today I was grateful that the bathroom is next to my bedroom so I didn’t have to choose between my flatmates seeing me in the state I’m in or pissing in a pot of some kind.
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